I’ve Had All I Can Stands, and I Can’t Stands N’ More
I have come to the begrudged conclusion that my current occupation provides little but shopping fodder. Each new layer of ill-defined management compounds an incumbent vacuum of strategy and leadership. Each day brings yet another demand for me and my immediate coworker to provide for others the fruits of information we have been demanding for years. The time has come to leave.
As I expect this brightens your day, dear reader, I would like to take advantage of your enthusiasm here and capitalize on my strengths. If you or any acquaintance believe my skills fit an existing (or future) need, please do let me and them know. Without further adieu….
- If you’re looking for a numerical analyst, I’m your guy. I have completed some college, and know exactly which Excel widgets to point at and then click to return all manner of impressive-looking results. Look at this one:
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Isn’t that breath-taking?
- You’ve seen Animal House, but I assure you that I am the definitive party animal. One time, I walked around the house…WITHOUT ANY SOCKS ON!
- Impressions: you want ‘em, I can do ‘em. My repertoire includes “angered passive/aggressive driver” and “forlorned-but-unable-to-communicate-it guy”. Look at these examples from my portfolio:
Isn’t it uncanny? You’ve never seen a better likeness of Isaac Hayes, have you? Which thing am I? - Children love me…when I let them go.
- TPS report cover sheets? I smother myself in TPS cover sheets every night. My TPS webcam’s down now, or I’d link to it.
The list is practically limited. I could go on for minutes, really.
Talk to your Uncle Frank, or an HR representative near you, and see what they think. I have a variety of head shots available (some without an incarceration name plate), and I’m open to modeling or selling my skin to those deformed by interesting events. Thank you for your time.
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