Venom
On the virtues of being an asshole, crazy people, bowel movements, and divinity.
Thank you for taking my bike, either this morning or last night (I assume). I’ve been almost embarrassed to ride the thing for some time now. Anyone who knows me knows I’m a man of culture, style, and grace, and that bike would never have been confused with any of those. By [...]
I am by no means a designer, but I managed to knock together a logo for a friend’s organization, and received in return a $25 gift certificate for Dick’s Sporting Goods. These holidays make for relatively light work volume for me, not least due to how convenient an excuse they provide to blow off [...]
I am of the firm belief that the intersection of a woman, bills, and a checkbook is detrimental to the American economy: this woman will undoubtedly pay bills in a timely fashion, thereby robbing the engine of capitalism of untold penal revenue. Men should hold tight their bills and checkbooks if ever capitalism should [...]
Let’s say that, starting today, I’m going to be the most preternaturally wholesome, giving, thoughtful, enlightened, selfless man I can be. I will reach the pinnacle of a sovereign good will. I will, for the next twenty or so years, make all who behold me weep with simple, unfettered, calm joy.
Children will sing [...]
A few months ago, I received another one of those e-mails that purports to presage something about you based on some answers to apparently unconnected questions. This one went something like this:
How many times a week do you want chocolate?
Take your answer to number 1 and double it.
Add 5.
Multiply by 50.
If you haven’t had [...]
Let’s lighten the load. I’m a Steelers fan. I barely remember when Terry Bradshaw hooked up regularly with Lynn Swann and John Stallworth—but I remember. I barely remember Franco Harris, and Mean Joe Greene, and Rocky Bleier, and Jack Lambert, and Jack Ham, and Mel Blount, and Donnie Shell, and L. C. [...]
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